It’s been a awhile since we’ve had the Ask-A-Planner question, so it is exciting to back in the saddle! This one comes from Asia, and is a question I dealt with for my own wedding.

Dear Sara,

My fiance and I are currently living overseas, but are moving back to the US soon. After we are settled, we will have a small wedding there with mostly family.

We want to have an engagement party while we are still overseas with our friends here, but I read on many web-sites you MUST invite everyone to the wedding that you invited to your engagement party.

Do you think that holds true if you live in one country and will get married in another?  We want to celebrate with our friends overseas while we are here, knowing that many of them wouldn’t be able to come to the wedding in the US anyway, nor do we want that large of a wedding.

Thank you! 

Newly Engaged in Asia 

Dear Newly Engaged,

First of all, congratulations!! This is such an exciting time!

You are already diving head long into one of the first challenges of planning a wedding– the guest list. This effects so much of the planning process (including additional parties!), and it one of the hardest parts. Additionally, there is not a lot of info out there for people in your situation (I know, because I looked for us too!) of living and planning in different cities, especially overseas.

Honestly, I think the rule of only inviting guests to parties that will be invited to the wedding is kind of a pain; It can fatigues your guests (I was a bridesmaid in a wedding that had different kinds of bridal showers every month leading up to the wedding. I was in college at the time— it was so expensive!!). And really— even people not in your situation ask this same question, so I’m kind of waiting for the day when this rule is abandoned.

But–even though I am all about bucking the norm, I think there will still be some traditionalist out there who might expect an invite to the wedding if they are invited to the other festivities. And you’d risk hurt their feelings– and no one wants that to happen.

In order to celebrate with your overseas friends and not confuse people, I’m wondering if you can get around “the rule” by calling the party something else. Like  ”A Celebration of our Union” (ok, the name needs work) or something that implies what it is, without saying the traditional term “engagement party” that will lead people to expect a wedding invitation  Since you won’t be having another party here after you are married there should be some way to convey to people that this is their chance to party it up wedding style with you and it’s all in the wording of the invite. (And maybe you can even wear a white sundress to the party!).